Raising children in my opinion is the most difficult jobs on earth. There are no absolutes when it comes to parenting and no manuals - each age is a different set of rules and it's never easy to know for sure whether what we are doing is the right thing or not. In many ways raising children is similar to growing a tree. Not unlike a tree, a child can be stunted emotionally and physically, he can also grow bent and twisted or straight and firm. In my 20 years as a mother I have observed several trends that are catalystic enough to cause concern. Some are old but others I reserve as a problem exclusive to this generation. One is displaced protectiveness, fear of animals and creatures found outdoors and overprotectiveness. This is a trend exclusive to this generation. The other is extreme gender bias.
We often worry about what their children eat, we wait to go to sleep until after they have fallen asleep, we provide a safe and nurturing environment for our children at home--quiet time to study, we speak to teachers, oversee their studies and homework, discuss danger and life with them-- all of these behaviors fall within the normal scope of maternal protectiveness. The outside world can make a parent feel very vulnerable. She may view the safety of her child through out of proportion and distorted lenses. Understandably this can be the first instinct for a parent when allowing their child to venture out of their protective site and safety. These feelings are perfectly normal and natural. However, they can be grossly exaggerated and unhealthy.
One particular problem I see is mothers who do not allow their children outdoors to play in what is a relatively safe environment. Some mothers use the excuse that the 'other' children who are playing outside are 'bad' or not 'well mannered'. The truth is many of these children are perfectly normal and safe for our children to be around. In fact they are the very same playmates they have in school. So why is it that at home in our back yards mothers find an excuse for their children not to play with them? In all honestly a good look at our own children will bring us to conclude that they are also far from perfect. (There is always the exception to the rule in which a parent can use wise discretion.)
Another disturbing problem is fear of 'wild animals and rodents'. I've heard comments like, 'There are snakes outside!' Well of course there are snakes in the grass, this is nothing new - children have lived with wild animals since the dawn of time. In fact we used to catch them. This is all normal activity for children. They are naturally inquisitive and want to explore the world. Children are far more intelligent than we give them credit. Normally the poisonous and dangerous animals stay away from other humans so the real probability of the child coming in contact with a wild dangerous animal is rather slim. Typically it is the mother’s own fear of these animals that dominates her decision to keep her children from the remote possibility of their coming in contact with them - including completely harmless creatures. Unless of course your backyard is directly on a crocodile infested river or on another note next to train tracks these concerns can be out of perspective. We clearly recognize real danger from imagined danger when reading, so why not in every day life? We need to see the difference between healthy maternal protectiveness and obsessive out of proportioned over protectiveness.
When we are overprotective of our children we do them a huge disservice and may even hinder their emotional and physical growth. Certain behaviors lead to social and emotional problems, such as never allowing a child to make his or her own decisions, even at a young age. Obsessing over the care of the child -- for example not allowing them to dress on their own when they are able to themselves, feeding them well past the age where they can feed themselves, worrying that the child may injure themselves if out of site, always cleaning up after the child, and wanting the child to depend on us in areas where they do not need our help. This is a common problem with only children. In China where only children are the social norm because of standards set by the government, they call these children "little emperors". I find this term interesting when relating it to our own Muslim child. A mother obsessing over her daughter can create a "little empress" and likewise sons in Muslim families are very often treated as "little emperors". To fit the mold of cultural Muslims, I will rename both categories. The girl is often the "Empress of all that is good and pure", keeping her indoors, hidden from others we assume that her image of purity is not being compromised. While for the cultural Muslim the boy is often the "Emperor of the video game box and remote control". This emperor is allowed to do anything he wants even demanding that the empresses around him serve him while his feet are kicked up in the air and he plays his games! All too often the empress is cleaning and helping her mother while the emperor does nothing! The emperor is allowed to go outside while the empress is not. Although two completely different scenarios exist for the emperor and the empress, neither can be justified as 'healthy' for the growing child and both are subjects of over protectiveness determined by sex and biased gender roles, which the culturally influenced parent perceives, are the child’s birthright.
Lets examine this a little closer through Islam. Undoubtedly in Islam there are well-defined gender roles for both males and females. This is not in question and preparing our children for those roles is very important. However, culturally they have been grossly exaggerated and unjust. We are commanded to be fair and good in our treatment of girls.
The Prophet Muhammad, salalhu alaihi wa salam taught: "Whosoever has a daughter and he does not bury her alive, does not insult her, and does not favor his son over her, Allah will enter him into Paradise." [Ahmad]". And "I command you to be kind to women...” "The best of you is the best to his family (wife)..." Girls as well as boys should partake in choirs around the house and they should be allowed free time to explore and play.
Prophet Muhammad, salalhu alaihi wa salam also said: "Seeking knowledge is mandatory for every Muslim", ("Muslim" is used here in the generic meaning which includes both males and females). Knowledge is not limited to school or work at home, but also involves the social and interactive parts of a person. The Quran states: "Never will I suffer to be loss the work of any of you be it male or female: you are members of one another..." (Quran 3:195) and "If any do deeds of righteousness be they male or female and have faith they will enter paradise and not the least injustice will be done to them." (Quran 4:124) Both the male and female are equal in religious obligation and actions or moral duties. Because Islam is a way of life, this encompasses everything that a human does in his and her life. When we deny our children the chance to grow and experience things, we deny them so many wonders that are a part of life. Very often we adults forget that we were once children and what that was like. I know that my generation was not held back from playing in the rain, in ponds, dirt, exploring and creating – we had an imagination. We could take two stones and make a game out of them. I do not see that type of imagination in many children today. This is concerning.
Another common problem is to mistakenly translate the word "qiwamah" or responsibility for the family, as superiority. The Quran makes it clear that the sole basis for superiority of any person over another is piety and righteousness not gender, color, or nationality: “O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes that you may know each other. Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (one who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).” (Quran 49:13)
Responsibility is a very important part of growing up, and for Muslim children it is important to teach a girl the things that are required by her Lord for later in life, such as cleanliness and perhaps cooking. This will help her to more easily fit into the role of wife and mother when she grows up. Boys should be taught to be protective of all of the women in their family. This example is best seen in the Muslim father but is also instilled by the mother as she raises her sons to be kind and caring for his sisters. The best approach to teaching protectiveness is the indoctrination that those who are in your charge are not inferior to us but deserving of our protection. The fact that a male is physically stronger than a female, does not make him superior to her, it only makes him stronger than her.
Both need to be taught manners. Good manners are the obligation of all Muslims. Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr: "The Prophet never used bad language neither a 'Fahish nor a Mutafahish. He used to say 'The best amongst you are those who have the best manners and character.” (Sahih Bukhari)
"It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast taken a decision, put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).” (The Noble Quran, 3:159)
Both the female and the male child need to learn a bit of both parts of these roles. A girl must learn to protect her home, children and herself including her honor, the honor of her husband and the secrets of both. Likewise, it will most likely come in handy for a boy to know how to make a brig of chai (tea), fry some eggs and clean his room as well as wash the dishes. When it boils down to it, neither job is exclusively going to belong to one or the other. To believe that is unrealistic and a disservice to the child.
By taking care and allowing our children to grow without unnecessary restrictions and excessively biased ideas we help our children to grow to be well-rounded. A well-rounded person does much better in real life citations than a person who has to struggle learning basic social skills because he never learned them as a child, and basic life skills so that he or she can cope when their mother is not around. Similarly we should not let our children grow up too fast. They will be adults soon enough and childhood is so short. Lets let them enjoy it by allowing them to explore the world around them. So what if their cloths may get a little dirty and they might get a bruise or two. A school aged child should be talked to about the limits we expect of them when we are not around. We need to trust our children so that they can grow confidently, and allow them to make mistakes. A tree that grows with its roots tied is stunted, but a tree that stretches it's branches out receives water and sun and although it receives occasional winds it still flourishes! We as parents can loosen the ropes so that they are not too tight and shelter our children from strong winds that can damage them.
By doing this inshallah our daughters will grow up to be Empresses and our boys Emperors and together they will build their empire according to the Will, Glory and Magnificence of that which their Lord has bestowed them – in all things.
