Diplomacy is an art in communication. Most people relate diplomacy to politics but in reality it is just a communication method that can be applied to any conversation with any person at any time in our lives. The focus here will be in communicating in a diplomatic way with our spouses.
In Islam etiquette and manners are very well emphasized. Unfortunately we may be losing touch with this art due to our diminishing social lives, with the use of computers, emails, text messages and other forms of media to communicate. We no longer speak to each other face to face as we used to, and the art of tactful communication is being lost. In brief it can be said that this electronic life style, has affected us to the extent that we isolate ourselves from others as can be seen with our children or by watching teenagers interact with their parents. Children do not sit with their elders as they used to. This can be seen amoungst adults also. Family diners are infrequent, time spent sitting and talking is less and time on the computer and watching TV has increased. In truth I can make an entirely new subject on that alone, but I would like to concentrate on the art of diplomacy and manners in Islam for now.
In the following hadith we read the virtues of good manners and the importance of not abandoning them even if we fear transgression.
'A'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, reported:
A man sought permission from Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) to see him. He said: Grant him permission, (and also added): He is a bad son of his tribe or he is a bad person in his tribe. When he came in, the Holy Prophet used kind words for him. 'A'ishah reported that she said: Allah's Messenger, you said about him what you had to say and then you treated him with kindness. He said: 'A'ishah, verily in the eye of Allah, the worst among the people in rank on the Day of Resurrection is one whom the people abandoned to avoid his bad manners.
Hadith number in Sahih Muslim [Arabic only]: 4693
We also see that it is forbidden amongst us to sever relations for more than 3 nights.
Abu Aiyub Al-Ansari, may Allah be pleased with him, reported:
Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: It is not lawful for a Muslim to desert his fellow Muslim beyond three nights, the one turning one way and the other turning the other way when they meet; the better of the two is the one who is the first to give a greeting.
Hadith number in Sahih Muslim [Arabic only]: 4643
Islam also tells us to restrain ourselves from anger, which includes harsh words and harsh treatment.
Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported:
Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: The strong man is not the one who wrestles well but the strong man is the one who controls himself when he is in a fit of rage.
Hadith number in Sahih Muslim [Arabic only]: 4723
We may not realize that as women we have a lot of control over the actions and reactions of our husbands with the use of careful wording, response and diplomacy. The mature woman realizes this. That is why you will see many successful women past their 40's whom are more reserved and cautious when they speak than you will see in younger ones. (By success I am referring to success in their private lives and in the management of their homes, not in material means).
When we interact, we construct a dialog with another person. By expressing our attitudes, emotions, feelings in a friendly or in an unfriendly manner, by relying on the many nonverbal signals (body language, facial expression), by sometimes emphasizing what is said, and the form in which it is expressed, we create different effects in conversation.
One form of conversation avoids hedging or coming straight to the point through purposely-vague language. This method of communication is particularly good when trying to understand the other party's main objective and what they are really trying to say. By being vague and avoiding answers, you keep the person talking. In particular, the importance of keeping a person talking are; to hear the bottom line and to let them get what they have to say off their chest (which often is all they needed in the first place). I find this true of men. Men can come to us stressed and feel they need to be heard. The object of their rambling is very often not meant to produce a conversation, but to produce and end.
I am not saying not to have an opinion or a voice, but I am saying to choose your battles. Think before responding, "Is this worth bothering myself over, or can I just let this go?" Many times you will find that it can be let go. You can listen, exchange a few comments, which refer the fact that you are listening and everyone can have a peaceful end. We can call this, communication that reaches a harmonious effect.
Another form of communication used in Diplomacy is being tactful or displaying a friendly attitude towards others. Using a vocabulary, which is dignifying to yourself and to the person you are speaking to. Language is a great humanizing force in human interactions. No one likes to be talked down to and certainly very few of us will accept words that are dehumanizing and adorned in critic. As nurturers, women are particularly artful in communicating in uplifting, positive and caring ways. We want to promote love and peace in our homes, and can choose our words accordingly. An example is the often popular dialog between a husband and a wife, where taking a second wife is discussed in a taunting way. Lets assume that in this conversation the wife is asking her husband about the possibility of his taking a second wife in the future. If the husband would like to anger his wife, he can say, "Yes and she will cook better than you!” or something to that regard which automatically insults the wife. Or he can very tactfully say, "If I were to take another wife she would have to be as beautiful as you." This answer reflects an appreciation of you by your husband, is not dehumanizing, and is in fact full of sweet intention. This method can be applied in diverting a conversation from bitter to sweet.
Some tips in artful communication are:
- Learn to identify and avoid potentially aggressive, insensitive, offensive destructive uses of language. Do your best to offset dehumanizing ways of communication.
- Think of the language you use as peace building, peace making and as a peace promoting force.
- ·At all times do your best to view yourself and your life positively. A positive attitude is contagious.
- Remember that you have the right to question and criticize, to lead a balanced conversation. But do so responsibly and in a human-dignifying way. Also choose your battles wisely.
- Treat your spouse with respect and remember he is your life partner. Respect is sacred in a marriage so do not breach this trust.
- Try to see both sides of an issue and listen to the others points of view. Often we misunderstand and that is what leads to miscommunication. Listening is a key point. This is especially a challenge where one of you or both are communicating in a language that is not native to you. Special care needs to be taken to be sure that a fair chance is given so that your partner can express himself fully. Treat your partner with integrity and do not loose patience.
- ·Avoid hiding behind pompous language to question someone and be careful of body language and facial expressions.
Lastly always make your intentions fisabi lillah. When we do things for the sake of Allah our intentions are clear, precise and directed. Fortunately we have our religion and our religion is a guide for all mankind.
Ibn 'Abbas, may Allah be pleased with them, narrated:
Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) transmitted it from the Blessed and Great Lord: Verily Allah recorded the good and the evil and then made it clear that he who intended good but did not do it, Allah recorded one complete virtue in his favor, but if he intended it and also did it, the Glorious and Great Allah recorded ten to seven hundred virtues and even more to his credit. But if he intended evil but did not commit it, Allah wrote down one full virtue in his favor. If he intended that and also committed it, Allah made an entry of one evil against him.
Hadith number in Sahih Muslim [Arabic only]: 187
-Badreya
