This is an age old question that many abused and battered women face over the centuries and almost daily in various parts of the world. Almost anyone of us can say without question that we have heard, seen or have a member of the family who is facing abuse or who had been abused. It may not necessarily be a family member but maybe a friends relative or a friend themselves etc
Recently, this came knocking at our very own door when it happened to a very close relative. Most of my life, the only experience I had with abused and battered women came from what I saw on the tv or read in the newspapers. There was of course the usual gossip you hear about sister such and such who fled her husband or is going through a hard marital problem. But on this day, the issue came knocking at our door; I can no longer act ignorant or go about my ‘normal life’.
Finding out that my female relative had been keeping this huge secret and bearing this burden while putting a happy front shook me to the core. I felt shock, anger, and sadness among many other feelings. What happened I asked myself? How could this be? I looked at her, this sweet, happy relative of mine and wondered how could a person bring himself to raise a hand to her? Everyone who knows her, praises her for her sweet nature, compassion and kindness. Where did it all go wrong for her, I asked myself?
Gone was that sunny woman that we had known, in her place a bruised face, sad, depressed shell of her former self. I couldn’t bear to see her in this state and I started researching and reading as much as possible on abuse with hopes that maybe I could help her and support her. I just did not want to say the wrong this and upset her because as I said before this was a whole new experience for me.
She related what had happened to her and I sat there and cried so much, my heart bleeding for my sweet relative. Her spouse had gone from loving and kind to a man full of hate, abusing her almost daily, hitting her, chocking her, you name it! I sat there in disbelief that this tiny relative of mine took all this abuse, and yet none of us had a clue! I couldn’t sleep that night, this was all I could think of and her plight.
So today, I write this as a relative of a battered Muslim woman in hopes that if any sister is going through this and happens to read this, she will not suffer in silence but find her voice and seek help inshAllah. This is my naseeha from the little that I know so far, but I hope this little will help one of my sisters in Islam inshallah.
My dear sisters before you take that step to get married, do your research thoroughly. Make sure your Wali ( guardian) has found out as much as possible about your intended spouse’s temperament and background inshAllah. In our case, there had been prior rumors of this brother’s temper but all of us fell for his lies when he claimed to have been a changed man and that he had learned to control his temper. You do not want to have regrets after your marriage to the brother. Better safe than sorry ya ukhti! Look at such an incident during the Prophet ( peace be upon him)’s time. The Prophet, peace be upon him, advised one Muslim woman, whose name was Fatimah bint Qais, not to marry a man because the man was known for beating women:
"I went to the Prophet and said: Abul Jahm and Mu'awiah have proposed to marry me. The Prophet (by way of advice) said: As to Mu'awiah he is very poor and Abul Jahm is accustomed to beating women" [sahih muslim]
Abuse is abuse, it shouldn’t be minimized. Emotional abuse also bears scars and even more deeper and longer than perhaps the physical bruises. The abuser eventually gradually goes from heaping abuse and foul name calling to physically hitting the victim. So do not stand by and accept name calling and degrading statements from your spouse. This is not right for any muslim to abuse another as recorded in the ahadith below:
... 'Abd Allah reported that the Prophet of Allah, upon him be peace, said, "A believer is not a fault-finder and is not abusive, obscene, or course." [Sahih Bukhari]
“A believer is never a person who scoffs at others, calls them names, or utters vulgar and obscene phrases” [ Tirmidhi ]
There are people who abuse their spouses and degrade them so much that it affects their self esteem to the point that they feel they are worthless. If you truly cared for someone, why would you resort to name calling and abuse?
So, sit down your spouse and show him that it is not from the Islamic personality to abuse the other. Let him know that it is affecting you and it has to stop. If he persists, then involve one of your righteous male relatives, who will inshallah talk with him and advise him. If he still continues, approach your local Imam and inshAllah he will listen to him.
Let me tell you my dear sister, if you have kids, this is even more harmful for they will hear all this filth and disrespect from their father. If this continues, they will loose their respect of you and treat you as they have seen their father do. So nip it in the bud inshAllah. Remind him that he is setting an example for the children.
My dear sister in Islam, you deserve good in your life, kindness and love and gentleness. Let no one make you think you are such a horrible person that you bring upon yourself this abuse. None of us is perfect but NOONE deserves to be battered and chocked because of what they may or may have not have done.
Islam is clear on what the limits and boundaries are for those who use the ayat to victimize muslim women. Allah says
...As to those women on whose part you see ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance).... Surah An-Nisa aya 34
The above ayah should not be taken to mean that one can beat his wife like a dog and hit her on the face. The Quran refers to strikes with something relatively soft such as a bundle of thin grass or at worst a thin, flimsy stick. The beating is not to be done with severity. And even before reaching this point, the spouse is commanded to first admonish and then boycott the bed, the beating should be the very last resort.
Even Prophet Ayub ( alayhi salam) was told by Allah to use the following method when his wife had angered him severely:
And take in your hand a bundle of thin grass and strike therewith (your wife) Surah Sad ayah 44.
If you are being abused, do not keep silent, seek help inshAllah. Be careful not to be caught up in all this by fighting back, for two wrongs don’t make a right.
Don’t either be mistaken in thinking that you have to stay for the sake of your children. Indeed this is not a healthy environment for any muslim child. If you have female children, you are teaching them that this is acceptable behavior from their future spouses. As for the male children, you are setting an example of how they should act towards the females in general. They may emulate their father and also become abusers with their own wives. And Allah knows best! Your kids may also end up resenting you for not taking them away from all this abuse. And indeed if you were to ask them when they are older, they will tell you, you should not have stayed for their sake.
It may seem very daunting to seek help or leave such a situation and the outside world may seem intimidating, but help yourself and your kids and trust in Allah first and foremost. It may seem hard but reach out for help.
As for my relative I think she will bear life long emotional scars. It is very hard on her now battling depression, nightmares and an uncertain future inshAllah. All we can do is keep making dua for her and support her and love her as much as we can inshAllah.
As for the rest of the ummah, let’s recognize that this exists in our communities and speak out when we see brothers who have bad tempers and violent backgrounds approaching our sisters and daughters for a hand in marriage. We should advise such brothers to seek help and fear Allah before taking steps to marry any woman. Although, the muslimah may not be your sister or daughter or not in any way related to you, she is still your sister in Islam. Should you not want for her what you would want for yourself?
Our local Imams should be aware that they are needed even more in such cases to act fairly inshAllah and with urgency. It may be the sister’s welfare and well being is in jeopardy and she is forced to turn to the non-muslims for help. How many have we heard who were in such despair with no help that they left the deen as a result! Yes, it happens and it is incumbent upon us to help our sisters with whatever we can.
Let us try and find out if our local masajids have resources at hand to help such sisters in their time of need until they can get themselves off their feet. And if not, lets take the initiative to bring it to the Imam’s attention and find out what needs to be in place for this to happen.
In conclusion, I urge any sister who is in an abusive situation to not worry about being judged or what people will say, rather take the initiative and get help from good righteous muslims.
By
Bint Al-Afriki.
